The Times..They Are A'Changing

Out with the old, in with the new. I never really thought much about that. But I have been thinking about it a lot this holiday season. I actually sat down this holiday season and really examined my life. And it is time for some changes.

I have let go of the resentment and anger that I have been holding onto for a long time. I admit, that is not an easy task. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I put my heart on the line for people and often find myself caring about the relationship more than they do. This has caused me to hold onto hurts done to me by people I call my friends. What letting go has helped me see is that while they do matter very much to me, I don't matter to them. This is a hard truth to face. And it hurts. But it is also letting me step back and examine the relationships in my life. It is letting me re-evaluate who matters and who doesn't. It is letting me stay close to the people who care and step away from the people who don't. And as I have pulled away, no one has noticed. That lets me know that I have done the right thing. I am forgiving them. I asked too much of them and expected more than they could give. That is not their fault. It is mine. So, I have put the old out.

In its place, I am making room for me to grow. I am learning to take people at face value. I am learning not to expect anything from people. It may seem like a jaded way to see the world, but it is helping me for right now. I am trying to focus on better things these days. After all, does it really matter in the end if I was invited or not to a party? Does it matter if I was included at dinner? When I am gone, what will matter? I have been told that I have a forgiving heart. I think that is often used against me. People worry less about hurting me because they know I will forgive them. I wish I could say I was going to change that. I wish I could say that I was going to protect myself better, but it really is a part of me. I always try to see the good in people. I always try to forgive people. When I realized how much resentment I was holding onto, I was amazed. I had not realized how badly it was hurting me. I thought that I had forgiven people and moved on. In truth, I had forgiven them on the surface, but help onto the hurt in my heart. I am done doing that. The hurt is gone. What I will do is be a little more closed and not let people get as close to me.

My cirlce of friends has gotten much smaller. I have people I spend time with and people I care about, but they are no longer truly my friends. I thought this was their choice, but in truth it has been a mutual choice. I have pushed them away just as they have pushed me away. I allowed the hurt to come between us. I miss the people in my life. Maybe someday they will be a part of my life again. I am not closing the door, just making it a little harder to walk through.

So, in with the new. If I am not around as much, if I don't seem like myself, maybe I am not. But regardless, I am me, always just me.