Pity Party

I don't throw these often, but tonight, just tonight, I am throwing myself a pity party. For tonight, I am going to feel sorry for myself. For tonight, I am going to cry. For tonight, I am going to allow myself to whine. Tomorrow, I will go back to sucking it up and smiling. But tonight....

I hate the hand that has been dealt me sometimes. I didn't ask for any of this. But I carry the burden anyway. I hate that often my choices are taken out of my hands. The decisions are made for me through necessity. I hate that I appear strong, but know on the inside I am falling apart. I am terrified that my life is going to be cut short. Everytime I turn around, there seems to be something else being thrown at me. I hate that I feel out of control of everything in my life. I hate that sometimes I have no choice but to smile and get through things. I hate that my daughter cries every night for her daddy and there is nothing I can do to bring him home faster. I hate feeling like I am failing my children because I feel awful and can't take care of them. I hate my body for failing me. I hate asking for help and I hate that I need help. I hate being scared and I am now. I know that what is happening to me needs to happen. I know it is for the best, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to face. Sometimes I just sit and wonder what next? I do believe that I won't be given more than I can handle, but at the same time I wonder why I am being given so much to handle at once. And how much more do I really need to deal with? I have been sick for OVER half my life. I know there is no cure, I know this is just what I have to deal with. I know it could be worse. But when is enough enough? Yes, there have been blessings there too. I have my beautiful miracles. I never believed I would ever have children, but I have them. I have an amazing husband. I know that in the big picture, my life is wonderful. But sometimes the day to day struggle just gets to be too much. And some days I look at everything I have lost and the list seems to get longer all the time. So when is enough enough? Some days there is just no good answer for that. Some days it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. This week has been full of days like that. I just don't have anything left to give, yet I still have so much being demanded of me.

So tonight, I don't want to be strong, I don't want to give anything, I don't want to think anymore. I just want to cry. Tomorrow I will start over. Tomorrow I will smile. Tomorrow I will be strong.