The Aftermath

So, I started on a journey back in January. I was not sure where it would lead me. A visit to the ER pointed out to me that I had a major problem. After a trip to my OB/GYN, we discovered what the problem was. I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Along with that, there was a mass in my uterus and a complex cyst on my left ovary. Okay, great. So what does that mean?

Well, it means, I could get a D&C and deal with the pain from the cyst and wonder what was in the uterus. Umm...thanks, but no. Next option please? Well, that is a hysterectomy. Really. Okay. Let me think about this one. Okay, I guess I am on board with that. So I signed papers stating I understood that this was sterilization and got details on what next. I then cried the whole way home. It is one thing to know that you are done having children, it is another to not even have the choice. So now for the fun part.

I am not an "easy" hysterectomy. By that, I mean that I have to be opened up (no lap or vaginal here) and stay in the hospital. Because of my history with Crohn's, I had to see a GI Surgeon and have him on standby...just in case. Fun. So in addition to normal complications, I got to worry about those too. Yay me! My bloodwork was awful. My potassium was super low. So I spent the two weeks leading up to surgery wanting to puke all the time from the high dose of potassium I was taking. I also spent the two weeks leading up to surgery being nervous and a single mom. Good times, let me tell you!

I went to the hospital on March 15th. Surgery went very well. Yay FINALLY something that has gone my way. Only a three day hospital stay and I was back at home. Now, I am slowly recovering. Six to eight weeks...doesn't seem long, but it is.

And now, the emotional stuff is starting to settle in. I wonder if I did the right thing. You know? I mean I realize Jim is done having kids, but I wasn't sure if I was. Now I have no choice. And silly things cross my mind. Things like what if the kids got sick and needed something I couldn't give them, but having another baby could save their lives. I realize that is crazy, but I worry about it. The enormity of what happened to me, what I chose, it just overwhelms me sometimes. And part of me wonders if I will always feel that emptiness inside. That wondering if I was really done and if I did make the right choice.

Anyway, if you wondered where I had been, now you know.