Does It Ever Get Easier?

This past week has been a big time of reflection for me. A year ago on October 6th, I got a phone call that broke my heart. My brother-in-law had been killed in an accidental shooting. The world just seemed to fall away that day. My sister and her two little boys were lost. I quickly managed to slip into "big sister mode". You know what I mean? You know how everyone has a role in the family? Me, I step in and handle things. I don't cry, I don't fall apart, I just step in and hold everything together. I have done that since my Papa died when I was 19. I don't know why I do it, but it works for me.

I got on a plane and flew to Jacksonville to be with my family in this horrible time. And we made it through the week. I watched my nephews struggle to understand why their Pappi was gone. I watched my sister facing the fact that her beloved husband was never coming back. I watched my mom relive so much of her life when my father died. And I held everything together. I held my sister at the gravesite after watching her husband's coffin being lowered into the grave. And I held everything together. It was a very hard week to get through, but I held it together.

Then I came home. Being here has made it easy for me to slip away and not remember. But then something happens and it hits me so hard. I was at karaoke with my friends and someone sang a song that Eddie had sung at our family reunion and I started to cry. I was looking through video and found some from family reunion with Eddie singing and I started to cry. I was looking through pictures and there were pictures of Eddie holding my babies and I cried. My children know that Uncle Eddie died and is in heaven with God now, but I don't think they really get it. They asked me if they could go to heaven to see Uncle Eddie, and I cried. Jim left in December and was gone for pretty much the whole month, and Christopher asked me if his daddy was in heaven with his Uncle Eddie, and I cried. Caitlin looks at pictures of her Uncle Eddie and tells me how much she misses him and that she is sad he is in heaven and my heart breaks just a little more. Yet I have never really broken down since his death. A part of me is still holding it all together. It is what I do.

And yet, even as my heart breaks and I cry, I know that my pain is nothing compared to my baby sister's pain. I don't even begin to know or understand how she feels. I know for a time, I was nervous everytime Jim left. But I had to let that go. But I can't tell her I understand, I don't. I hurt for her. But I don't truly understand how bad she must be hurting. My nephews, that is another story. I do understand their pain. I lived their pain. My father died when I was 15 months old. I don't remember him. I was blessed with a wonderful man who is and will always be my daddy. He adopted me and loved me and never made me question that I was his daughter, if not by blood then by love. I hope my nephews are blessed in the same way some day. But for now, I know how they feel. Angry that their Pappi left them and scared that their mommy might do the same. Lost and hurt, wanting to be so grown up, but having no idea how to do it. And my heart breaks for them. I know they are struggling. I know that some days are better than others. And I hope that someday the know how much their Pappi loved tham and that he NEVER chose to leave them!

So this week has been a time for facing some of the pain I have buried. It has been a way to look back at the last year and see some of the healing that has already begun. It has been a way to take a glimpse of the future and see that although we never forget, we do move on and time really does heal us. So yes, it does get eaiser. I think we always remember and often will cry, but some day we will just remember the good. The pain will be a distant memory. And that will be a good thing.

Rest in Peace Eddie. Your family still thinks of you and smiles. We miss you. We love you. We know we will see you again someday. Until then, keep watch over us.